It’s been a few weeks since the InfertileAF Summit and I’ve finally processed what I experienced and felt able to put into words what my heart’s been feeling.
Prior to April 27, 2019 I held on to this notion that I was less of a mom. Because I didn’t go through IVF, FET, experience a loss or a natural pregnancy, I didn’t put in the “hard” work.
My path to motherhood didn’t include 2 pink lines, a dark room with an ultrasound wand landing on a heartbeat, the excitement of a gender reveal or a hospital stay filled with joy and tearful congratulations from loved ones.
My journey to motherhood wasn’t measured in trimesters, rather trying times, not set up in neat, 90 days increments. My legs weren’t up in stirrups, ready for labor and open for the world to see, but my heart sure was.
Rather my path included a social worker, a huge leap of (expensive) faith, an in-depth study of our home, finances, values and health. A thick stack of paperwork, 2 attorneys, a plane ticket, unforgettable time spent with a brave auburn-haired young woman, a 12 hour labor that ended with 3 strong pushes and a cry from a beautiful baby girl that brought the rest of the room to tears, too.
Saying goodbye to the bravest woman we had ever met put a 3rd degree tear in my heart- one that couldn’t be repaired with simple sutures and is still slowly healing.
Sitting knee to knee with 140+ amazingly strong women while listening earnestly to 7 incredible speakers tell the story of their unique triumphs left me with a different perspective.
Infertility isn’t just a disease, it’s also a feeling. It’s sadness, jealousy, isolation, fear. It steals dreams and happiness. Infertility made it self strong enough to put cracks in my once rock-solid marriage. For me, it became so heavy that I couldn’t bear to carry it to events like baby showers so I sat alone at home.
I thought the only way to beat infertility was to get pregnant and deliver a healthy baby. At least that's what the Pampers commercials lead you to believe.
I longed to use the hashtag #IBeatInfertility. My happiness depended on that. Or did it?
On April 27, I let go of the previous notion that I was less of a mom because I carried Anneliese in my heart instead of my uterus. Motherhood is more than a positive pregnancy test. I came to the realization that I didn’t need to carry a baby in my belly to beat infertility. The very end of Lindsay’s speech resonated with me. She said we’ve all endured hard things on our journey to motherhood. Enough is enough, HARD IS HARD and it’s time to lift each other up rather than compare which only manifests competition. I reflected on my incredible journey- I navigated a special relationship with an expectant mom, spent 3 weeks away from home in an unfamiliar city continuing to build a connection with her all while tucking away memories for Anneliese and our family to reflect on one day. With zero experience as a labor coach, I held her hand through every contraction, every fear and tear all while praying and wishing I could take even a fraction of the physical pain for her well knowing the emotional pain would hurt long after the labor pains subsided.
I did so many hard things (the least of which included needles) in the process of chasing my dream of motherhood. With Anneliese in my arms, I no longer feel sad, jealous or isolated. I am complete. It all makes sense why I had to fight so hard to become a mom. I’ll never get over how our lives came together and we became a family. I beat infertility in my own way. The InfertileAF Summit and all those that shared in that day gave me permission to let go of so much hurt and for that I am forever grateful.
